Who wants to be a minister? Part 1

The following took place in the mind of a young Nigerian (Oke Stalyf) between 11:00pm and 12:00am.

My fellow Nigerians, the time has once again come to take steps towards engineering a progression of our nascent democracy. I, Oke Umurhohwo, being the President of the federal Republic of Nigeria and Commandant-In Chief of Armed Forces, have looked far and wide searching for ministers and it is my pleasure to tell you that I have identified quite a few excellently qualified individuals. As was done in the time of Baba, OBJ himself, we shall optimize the usage of technocrats and able-bodied and intellectually sound people in various departments, all these losers at the elections disturbing me are simply wasting their time, is it my fault that they lost? Now, they are giving me the kind of headache that makes aspirin sell. Nonsense! Rubbish! It’s time to get it right. So, my dear Nigerians, here are my ministers.

For the Ministry of Defence, we have none other than BASH ALLI. He is the best candidate for the job as he will deal with all threats to our sovereignty- internal and external just as he did his opponents in the ring. The man is a fighter, all this Boko Haram people are in trouble because, Bash will punch them in Round 1, kill them in Round 2, and knock them out in Round 3. He has already told me he doesn’t need all the luxuries afforded ministers, all he has requested to fulfil his duties as Minister of Defence are a pair of boxing gloves and a punching bag.

Nigerians, we shall once again herald the golden days when our nation was safe. Bash is the perfect epitome of an old soldier that never dies, and that is exactly what we need to win any war- a soldier that never dies, get the drift? Shebi, I told you I’ll deal with Boko Haram? Oya BASH, Round 1, fight!!!

For the Ministry of Petroleum Resources, we will need a man with the fear of God in his heart because oil money is tempting money. Oil money can intoxicate anyone and can turn the pope into a sinner. It has been the source of our livelihood but the coffers of this ministry have been plundered with repetitive impunity, so now we have to end that trend. Nigerians, let somebody shout Hallelujah as we welcome our ‘Daddy’, Pastor E.A Adeboye, the new minister of Petroleum. With ‘Daddy G.O’ at the helms of affairs, fuel scarcity will never last too long because weeping may last for a night but fuel cometh in the morning. Anyone who steals a penny shall be consumed by the wrath of heaven because darkness and light cannot mix. Our fuel will flow like milk and honey and it shall be well with us! Who knows, maybe, he can turn water into fuel!

The Ministry of Justice is a cardinal component of the machinery of government, because it is the conduit for the transmission of law and order. The minister must be a fearless man, he must be able to look death in the eye and not be scared. He must, without batting eyelids, throw corrupt and thieving politicians into prison; he must be a man of the people, a man who makes others shudder at the sound of his voice. Where will I find such a man, I asked myself and then it dawned on me, we need to re-awaken the spirit of the late CHIEF GANI FAWEHINMI (SAN). He has the experience, knowledge, temperament and skill, besides who can bribe a dead man! Corrupt Politicians are in soup, I give you GANI, the best of both worlds!

Another ministry that has given me sleepless nights is the Ministry of Power. Should I hire witches and wizards? Should I put another pastor there? Should I hire one of those people with long CV’s and suits? Or should I just let it be? Well, the answer hasn’t come to me yet. So for the meantime, let’s bone that side. Keep on servicing your generators, do not throw them away, you’ll still need them.

 

To be continued………

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