After all the Christmas and New Year festivities, it was time to head back to Lagos again. It had been a fun filled two weeks with family and old friends. My friend Obus had called two days earlier and suggested we go to Lagos together to which I concurred.
He was already at my house as early as 5:30am but we didn’t leave till about 6am. On getting to the motor park, we noticed the first bus had three passengers at the time, so we had to wait. While waiting, Obus suggested we take breakfast before embarking on our long journey. Asked around and found out there is a small restaurant behind the motor park.
I ordered for Jollof rice but my guy went the total opposite, ordering Beans and Bread. I tried to dissuade him from eating such food particularly knowing we would be on the road for some couple of hours but he refused, saying that’s exactly what he had been dreaming of eating for the past three days. I had to leave him alone when my advice was making no sense to him.
Beside Obus was this gorgeous lady, those type that will take your breath away for a couple of minutes. My friend obviously want to start a conversation with her, but doesn’t seems to know the right way to go about it. Few minutes later, he asked for my phone and wrote me a text msg… “This babe fine diee, but liver dey fail me to talk to her”. I replied him by composing a message telling him to man up and do the needful, that she won’t eat him, but my guy just couldn’t speak up.
As per “good boy”, I walked up to the lady as she was about leaving and chatted a little with her. A UNIPORT babe also going back to school. Incidentally, she lives two streets away from me. We did exchange contacts before she left. We took our breakfast and left also.
As we got back to the park, our own bus was left with just two seats, one at the back and one behind the driver’s seat, so Obus sat at the back while I sat in the one behind the driver.
“Stalyf, I swear you be man, that babe make sense die, I nor know say you go get this kind mind” were Obus’s words that echoed from the back, his voice vibrated in deep baritone.
“Oga calm down, calm down…No big deal with meeting new people, why I be UNILAG student?” I replied.
As we travelled, he kept bringing up conversations, but I didn’t put much interest cos our seats were apart, and with the bus on high speed the noise couldn’t make me hear him clearly, so when he felt it that I was straining myself to hear him, he locked up.
I slept off. It was Obus that woke me up, opened my eyes and almost everyone had highlighted from the bus, I noticed the bus was parked in a beautiful spot.
“Guy where be this” I asked,
“We dey Ore now. e be like nah where all this drivers dey eat…but guy belle just dey bite me” he said.
“Why belle nor go bite you after you don eat beans this early morning. You never see anything yet, if nah to go toilet, you better go shit now” i replied.
“No be shit jor, e just dey bite me, e go stop” he said.
We looked around if we could get drugs but we couldn’t, after a while, the driver came out and started yelling at his passengers to come in, threatening to leave whoever did not come in on time, so we hurried back to our seats and continued our journey.
About an hour later, I heard that same familiar loud voice from behind.
‘Driver abeg stop, I wan shit” Obus thundered.
I started laughing cos that took so long, I had been expecting him to say that since, maybe the thing being dey hook am since, but em gats just voice out when he couldn’t bear it anymore.
“Why you no shit when I stop for Ore, I no dey stop for anywhere again till i reach Lagos” the driver shouted back.
“Abeg no vex, e no catch me that time” Obus replied,
“I don talk my own” the driver replied.
When he saw the driver was serious, he kept his cool and didn’t say anything again. I was just laughing hard where I was.
“This guy don die today” I said within me.
He kept quiet till we got to Sagamu, like he couldn’t take it anymore.
“All of una dey this bus wen i dey beg this man, e go surprise am now, i go shit inside this bus” Obus angrily said.
“oya shit nah” the driver replied,
“Abeg stop make em shit, abeg driver, abeg” myself and others pleaded with the driver.
“Make em shit for the bus, i no dey stop” the driver replied.
“Stalyf mak una no beg am again, e go be am like film now” Obus replied.
The bus became quiet even Obus himself didn’t say anything again. After a while, i heard girls screaming at the back. i turned and saw Obus was unbelting. i started laughing thinking it was a joke, before i knew it, he had squatted down, and was hearing sounds like electric spark, ‘kparapkapkapkakpa’.
My guy dey truly dey shit live and direct for back, i swear no be person tell driver before em match break.
What started like a joke before my very eyes had manifested into reality, the girls at the back with him climbed over to the next sit screaming on top of their voices like they were running from an anaconda that was trying to devour them. i just quietly sat were i was laughing out my intestine. Before i knew it, everyone was struggling at the door, see competition, like say the first person to highlight from the bus get one special award that is worth millions of dollars.
i just kept calm because if to say i join them i for wound myself, upon all the struggling, it was still the driver that came to their rescue and when he did, una wan try diving, see as people were flying out, they just became talented divers all of a sudden.
I was the last to get down and before i did, the whole bus was already smelling.
“shey em shit true true?” the driver was asking me.
This was the type of question I like answering with sarcasm.
“Enter inside the bus nah, shey we follow beg you make you stop before?” i replied,
E be like say the driver been dey doubt, cos i swear even me when i saw him unbelting, i thought he was trying to frighten the driver or something, i never knew he was really going to do it.
“Dis boy you shit for my motor? i swear e no go better for you o, just come down find water and omo take wash am o” the driver was yelling.
Obus took his time o, as we were outside, it was the drama that was on everyone’s lips and it was this kinda journey whereby everyone that boarded the bus were all students, i didn’t even know that as my guy was inside doing his thing, his ears were attentively outside. One of the girls that sat alongside Obus was telling me…
“Your friend is really crazy, what guts?”
una wan try the denying?, this one pass Peter own sef for Bible, i denied the friendship so fresh and so clean.
“Babe calm down, which one be friend again? i just met the dude today” i replied.
“but i saw you guys come together to the motor park, na una two enter motor last nah” she attacked me again, and other people around were listening to our conversation,
“nah so una take dey fail exam, so because we last came together means he is my friend shey, i just met this guy at the park today” i replied in defense.
Obus finally came out of the bus, as he did everyone moved back, even me sef join them. you won’t believe this dude used his face towel to wipe his arse because that was the first thing he threw away as he got down.
“Stalyf your mama, thunder fire you. You dey deny me abi?” he thundered with his loud voice.
But i locked up, kept deaf ears like it wasn’t me he was talking to.
“Go find water and omo wash that thing, do fast make person comot for here” the driver was saying.
“If i wash that thing, i swear make i die” Obus replied.
His last statement turned the other passengers especially the girls against him, complaining that he was delaying the journey, but my guy locked up and wasn’t even answering anyone.
“Go wash that thing you dey craze? If you dey cult, no do am reach here, i go beat you like small pikin for here” the driver continued speaking, all in the name of wanting Obus to clean the bus.
“see all of una wey dey make noise dey waste una time, if i wash that thing, make i no see better, in short before i reach house, make trailer jam me, shey i no beg am make em stop?” he replied angrily, picked a little stick on the ground, bit it and pointed it to the sky, letting everyone know he meant what he said and wasn’t going against his word.
What he said infuriated the driver, so he was angrily walking towards Obus, as he did, Obus was walking towards him fearlessly, we knew if we didn’t intervene they would fight, so we rushed and held them apart.
“You think say nah by that one? i say if i wash am make i die, una dey hold am, make una leave am, i just need one minute with am” Obus was saying.
We were there for over two hours trying to resolve things. At the end, it was still the driver that paid some people at the road side to wash it.
“Find another bus, cos i no go allow you enter this motor”, the driver was telling Obus while the bus was been washed.
“oya gimme my balance nah, e no pass like that” Obus replied.
I watch comedy sotey i no fit laugh, people were like “this your friend nah character”. After the bus has been thoroughly washed, we got back in, Obus included. Seems the driver got tired of him, so had to leave my guy alone.
As we journeyed back to Lagos, there was perfume and body spray competition in the bus. Everybody held their own and sprayed everywhere around them, the air, their clothes… it was a crazy experience.
i just couldn’t stop laughing till i got home.